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March 04, 2005
Nature vs. Nurture
I try to hang my poem on your door
with inventive nails, but textbook tacks
are all I can find. I want to make this
poem leap around and run screaming
up and down the street like it is on
fire, or if not on fire, then at least chased
by its figment.
This poem was told that it was raised in
the mountains. Wholesome and corn fed.
I take it out each day for some air and all
it has to say is, “absurd birds herd.” I tell
it to knock off that nonsense, the neighbors
are staring.
I tell it, be a love poem. Read some sonnets
please. Stop pestering the cat. I tell it about
the day it stood in the mountains, naked and
unashamed. I am lying to it in the nicest way
possible. One day, when it grows up, it will
thank me.
Posted by Josh at March 4, 2005 02:05 PM
Comments
When I read this piece, It reminded me of Revell's piece, Prolegomena, because of the direct talking to the poem itself. I really enjoyed this poem, since it makes you laugh and pause at the same time. A great voice here.
I keep going back and forth on the title: it does fit, since poetry, much like us, either exists because it just "is", or is made out of our life experiences. However, it is a bit expected, or at least overly cliche.
I think cutting out "inventive" and leaving "nails" by itself will help make your point. Also "textbook tacks" too alliterative.
Great switch on end of first stanza "figment".
Second stanza is great. Maybe instead of "absurd birds herd", something more literal, since it is already inferred as nonsense.
Last stanza: pleading with the poem is very funny. not sure about "naked and unashamed" ,seems waxingly poetic, and "lying to it" line seems a bit didactic. Then again, this poem's point seems to be didactic, so then it is ok.
Overall, good stuff.
Posted by: Anthony Scoggins ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.whypop.net/chopshop/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 6, 2005 12:17 PM
I agree with Tony about the over-alliteration with "textbook tacks, but I have to say I thought line 11 was perfect. Its absurd sounding to say, reminiscent of Lewis Carroll in a good way, and it fits in nicely with the following line.
How about capitalizing the 'b' in "be a love poem" so that it seems more like you're really talking to it?
"Naked and unashamed" is borderline over-the-top, but "naked" seems o.k. Maybe another word could be coupled with it?
I enjoy this poem for its flippant tone, but I think it starts out slow- the first two lines seem unneccessary. Oh, by the way, I'm baaack.
Posted by: amber at March 21, 2005 06:39 PM
damn. i had a bunch of comments, but i messed it up. oh well, i will try again.
ok. this poem is fun and tounge in cheek. it does walk the line a little.
i like the second and third stanza the best. maybe we could get rid of the first stanza. maybe. or we could run it around the block a little and whip it into shape. it does not carru the same weight the other two do.
in stanza three the naked and unashamed is a bit trite. but if you mixed it up, subverted expectations a little it could be a real good line. like 'naked/ and malnourished. whatever.
i like the title. it plays with a 'serious' issue, it subverts expectations.
votre effort est louable. écriture de subsistance et un jour vous serez aussi bon qu'Anthony
Posted by: garth at March 22, 2005 11:58 PM