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February 28, 2005
Somnambulist
A day and a day, more rivers crossing me […]
I have changed places with geography.
- Donald Revell
I am worried and walking between
tall buildings built of old words that
can’t remember where they last
set themselves down with any kind
of feeling.
“And rivers and towns pass over me,”
scolds the rest of the epigraph. The last
time I slept under a map the stars
came down as ghosts and spoke old languages
and spat on the ground and rubbed their hands
on the slick thighs of their jeans.
Next day an early morning mockingbird bleats
and hoots like the car alarm tone he has taken
all week to memorize. An effortless noise
mimicking the futility of warnings. He tilts
his head curiously at the quieting rock
I’ve thrown, and goes on singing.
I think about the scattered mutterings
committed to describing the sound of
birds beating against a window. Outside
of doors, sleepwalking becomes that
much more.
Posted by Josh at February 28, 2005 10:05 PM
Comments
Donald Revell's "My Trip" quoted here. Nice quote.
-Not crazy about the word "feeling" in the first stanza.
-Your second and third stanzas are very specific and unique. I especially like the second, since you are correcting (epanorthosis of Revell?) the epigraph, which is unusual. It is also very self-parodic. I also enjoy the personification of the rock in the third stanza; an almost hyperbolic image, since rocks tend not to talk. Your device lends to the directness of your method, and we get a very unnerving image of silence in nature.
-scattered mutterings seems a bit repetitive (epizeuxis?); I would assume that most mutterings are scattered in the first place.
-"birds beating" seems to be forced alliteration.
-"Outside of doors" seems a bit too much like the last poem. Maybe something different here, or coded to mean the same thing? Perhaps worded differently.
I think the title lends itself to the poem,since you infer the speaker's trouble with sleep, with his memorization of car horns and all. Once again, that second stanza is, to quote a friend, "off the chain". Good stanza. Nice stanza.
Should I be doing homework? Yes! Do I care? No!
Senioritus!
Posted by: Anthony Scoggins ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.whypop.net/chopshop/nav-commenters.gif)
at March 2, 2005 08:02 PM
very rarely do i feel that epigraphs fit. but this one does, mostly for the reasons anthony has pointed out.
anthony has it out for alliteration of all kinds.
shouldn't the epigraph be in quotes?
the last stanza seems forced and a bit cliche. it is also the stanza anthony beats up on. it seems it could be cut and the poem would be stronger. it would lend itself to a more open reading and get rid of the alliteration and "outside of doors"
it is very revellian. very nice
i will keep it short as you wrote this a month ago and no doubt have revised it since.
Posted by: garth at March 23, 2005 12:16 AM