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December 02, 2004
Fisher of Men (revision)
You cast your disingenuous line,
ìI love this man!î
it whirrrs past me with dangerous aim,
then you run down the aisle
in a wide-brimmed hat with ribbons and rattle jigs.
I circuitously make my way through familiar and
strange dresses, suits to approach
your beautifully made-up face
sparkling at guests from a golden corona.
Your teeth flash readily for a second
husband; the photographerís waiting with his soul-stealer,
I canít wait to be next.
Luminescence falls on my face,
my life is better than possible,
and for a minute I catch your charm
in my childish net but its only me
so the light seals into a disapproving scowl.
Now I see its only sunlight filtering through blonde curls,
sea-foam blue layered on distrusting eyelids,
pink lipstick-stained teeth.
Your milestone anniversaries seem impossible, I turn the page.
The groom smiles through his drooping mustache,
the bride flanked by congratulations,
your lives diligently mapped out as round-cornered pictures.
Remembering my place in your world I
gingerly put your celebration back on the shelf;
my hands shake like a hooked fish in battle
sending glass mementos fumbling through desperate fingers.
Like a suffocating fish, your husbandís eyes blink in wonder
at the far reach of the fisher-womanís hand.
Heís been watching me wriggle at the end of your barbed hook
while heís been expiring,
his blurry eyes revealing everything.
Posted by amber at December 2, 2004 07:52 PM
Comments
Alright, is the title too much?
I tried to omit the excessive adjectives and bring in more fish imagery to tie in the ending, is it working?
My intent is to have three characters involved: The Bride, the Groom, and the Narrator. Is it obvious, or does the narrator get confused with the Groom?
Thanks...
Posted by: amber at December 2, 2004 07:59 PM
I think this poem is remarkably stronger with these revisions.
I wasn't confused as to which character was which, only whether or not the speaker is at an actual wedding at any point or experiencing everything through a photo album. I'm getting photo album everywhere except 6-8.
Not sure the exclamatory, "I love this man!" is working.
Only other change/clarification: remove simile in lines 27 and 29. just "a fish" would seem stronger and less redundant.
Posted by: Josh at December 2, 2004 11:28 PM
Breakdown of revision...
...not sure the commentary helps line 2 any; "I love this man" does not seem to fit...
...like "rattle jigs" in line 5...
..."beautifully made-up face" overdone, cut out one phrase or other...
...line 12's sarcasm plays well...
...like the quiet alliteration in line 15...
...personification of light is awkward and vague in line 17...
...line 21 contrived in "seems impossible"; might want to omit...
...line 25 cliche, with "my place in your world"...
...love your simile in line 27 extended: "like a hooked fish in battle sending glass mementos fumbling through desperate fingers". Wonderful.
...not sure about who's barbed hook it is in line 31 "your barbed hook"...
...maybe the title should be "The Fisher Queen"?
Posted by: tony at December 4, 2004 11:35 PM