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November 15, 2004
untitled
ìI love this man!î
The first disingeuous thing I remember of you,
then you run down the aisle
in a wide-brimmed hat with ribbons and flowers.
I circuitously make my way through familiar and
strange dresses, suits to approach
your beautifully made-up face
sparkling at guests from a golden corona.
Your giant tombstones flash readily for your second
husband, mother-in-law,
the photographerís waiting with his soul-stealer,
I canít wait to be next.
Luminescence falls on my face for a second
my life is better than possible,
your gaping semblance of warmth seals into a disapproving scowl.
Now I see only sunlight filtering through blonde curls,
sea-foam blue layered on distrusting eyelids,
cruel pink lipstick-stained teeth.
Your milestone anniversaries seem impossible, I turn the page.
A groom smiles through a drooping mustache,
a bride surrounded by congratulations,
your lives dilligently mapped out on round-cornered pictures.
I canít remember what I looked like because Iím not here,
then I remember my place in your world, and
gingerly put your celebration back where it belongs.
My hands shake in remembrance of my egg-shell existence,
sending porcelain mementos fumbling through desperate fingers
until I stop grasping and blurt out what has been
abusively vibrating under the surface.
Like a suffocating fish, your husbandís eyes blink in wonder
at the far reach of the fisher-womanís hand.
Heís been watching me wriggle at the end of your barbed hook
while heís been expiring,
his blurry eyes revealing everything.
Posted by amber at November 15, 2004 09:22 PM
Comments
I need a title for the love of Jesus (hopefully by Tuesday).
Be gentle....
Posted by: amber at November 15, 2004 09:25 PM
P.S.
Please excuse my typos...
Posted by: amber at November 15, 2004 09:29 PM
okay, bear with me...
I think these two stanzas hold alot of overelaborated concepts, or overstatements that do not add to the full poem. Examples:
9) "giant" tombstones seems a bit much: maybe dropping "giant"
15)"your gaping semblance of warmth" a bit much, also vague
29)abusively vibrating
also, the strange mixing of metaphors, such as line 26's "egg-shell of existence" and line 31, with it's "fisher-woman" and simile in 30)"Like a suffocating fish", seem to not really fit for me. I am not sure if it's the fisher-woman or the whole reeling in a husband's surprise to marriage, but it is awkward. Watch for too much of a good thing, (which are, by the way, things I like, which I will get to)and overstating your case.
I enjoy:
17)"Sea-foam blue layered on distrusting eyelids"
line 20's "a drooping moustache"-not sure I see its purpose, but all the same, great phrase (periphrasis for veil?)
How about "drooping moustache" for a title? No? Well, then I am done.
Posted by: tony at November 18, 2004 12:30 AM
I agree with Tony. A lot of your descriptions do not add to the poem. For example, I am guessing that "giant tombstones flashing" is describing a smile.. but I get a weird image of a mouth of death or something like that. Also, the idea of a suffucating fish, or fisher-woman don't help me imagine what is going on.
I have a question (and perhaps a stupid one) when you say "I need a title for the love of Jesus," is that an expression or is this poem supposed to be about the love of Jesus cuz I am so not seeing it. When I read that it threw me for a loop so to speak.
Posted by: amanda at November 20, 2004 12:00 PM
Sorry for any confusion Amanda.
For the love of Jesus is a saying, like for the love of God, Pete, etc.
But maybe I'll just go with that, I could name it "Jesus Christ, Superstar" or something. There is some fish imagery.... :)
Posted by: amber at November 21, 2004 11:23 AM
I never got around to posting on this version before you put the revised version up.
I think it is better the way you've posted your revisions as a completely new post, rather than putting the revised date in the title and saving over the old versions like I was doing.
Posted by: Josh at December 2, 2004 11:50 PM