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November 24, 2004
October
October
I have seen the ocean sway, pronouncing soft
with careless lips your name on the sand. The lost
horizons lifting flames and morning back
and forth, began to wash Octoberís black
unscented rose. In that sky I said my strife
that you are the one Iíve waited for all my life.
I never left the mark you left on me,
deforming me and bruising willingly.
Before the rain, the winds, the storm, the words,
I never tasted shame. I was absurd
and infected with flavors filled with sand- with you.
And still, the ocean swayed, the horizon grew,
the rain freckled behind, and you pronounced
my disinfected place, no end announced.
Until October left its mark upon
the sky and everything I loved was gone.
Your name became the only thing you left
behind, repeating, pronouncing carelessly soft.
I have seen the ocean sway, again the same
sand washing over the same lips and your name.
Posted by nervo at November 24, 2004 06:04 PM
Comments
Should probably let everyone know that nervo is David (Red Bull) Gutierrez. That might be why there haven't been comments. Or maybe we're too busy, I know am.
Good luck on your papers for 130D!
Posted by: Josh at November 30, 2004 01:31 PM
What's up, Nervo!
Heroic couplets- I swear you showed me this one before, David, it looks so familiar. Ok, aside from that, the title throws me -- October seems to mean so many things, none of them clear. I love some of the smooth easy flow of your language, but lets get to the destructive criticism:
- anapestic substitutions throughout: love that choice, but some seems contrived, such as line 11's "infected with flowers" part..not sure it fits.
-best substition you have? line 13: excellent use of trochaic substitution, esp. with the word "behind" connected to it: good job, Nervo.
-some of the language appears to be a bit too melodramatic (I am one to talk, er, write), such as "strife" in line 5, and contived lines, such as line 6 : "that you are the one I've waited for all my life". This is a cliche (or is this a dead metaphor?) and fights some of your more romantic, honest language, that fits i.p.:
" I never left the mark you left on me"
...which is my favorite line in this piece.
That's it for now. I will give you my written copy, with excellent penmanship, when I see you next.
Posted by: tony at December 4, 2004 12:58 PM