The Chop Shop

I was wondering if lines 6-7 sound too proesy, and do any of you have ideas of how to clean up line 13? I think it sounds cumbersome.

I don't think that 6-7 are too proesy. I think that those are the lines I like best in the poem. There are so many different ways to read them; though they make this "you" in the poem seem like a pretty shady and seducing character.

I am trying to think of ways to clean up 13, I am not sure how to, though I think it is quite a funny image.

I am not too crazy about "softly shuffling." When I say it, it reminds me of one of those words games, "Sally sells seashells..." It doesn't resemble the sound of a violin to me.

Why did you use "plants" instead of grass? If you made it grass then the verb could be changed (or not) to makes and you would have a nice "s" sound.

This is a nice little poem. However, I do agree w/Amanda. Sibilance doesn't seem to evoke violins, unless the plants are rubbing together squeakily. If that is the case, then I suggest changing the image so that this is more apparent. Perhaps if it mentioned that it sounded like a quartet warming up, discordant, like someone doing scales. I don't think its a stretch to say the plants sounded like this. In fact I felt that I knew exactly what you meant, but do think that there is possibly a better way to create the image behind this idea.

The title does seem to imply ideas about forbidden fruit and knowledge of good and evil (i.e. sex). The idea of seduction is made more interesting by the implications of the title. I think line 13 does feel clunky because of the word yelp. What if you cut it? I think the resulting ambiguity actually reinforces the idea that we don't know who, exactly, is endangered by the eating of the fruit. I would keep working with this idea. The underlying ambiguity of temptation is very interesting.

I agree with Amanda: I enjoy the lines 6 and 7, although seems to have a very different problem to me...I don't think it's necessary. If we are dealing with a chance encounter with a shady character, as Amanda says, then maybe it could be read into without it. Personally, I think you should omit line 7.

Don't think the plants fit, period, into the poem, at all. They don't seem to relate to anything specifically, and seem to only be there for background.

I go back and forth on liking the title. I can see where it would be good, but it seems a bit forced. I would go with something more specific in mind, about the banana.

line 6 is great, and I enjoy the helter skelter in figure eights. Nice touch.