November 24, 2004
Crescent Moon
It was at dawn that she was created. Light
began sinking into the precipice of rain
like a morsel of cloud deep across the night.
Roots were lavendered with honey and bright
images that sleep under her grain.
It was at dawn that she was created. Light
swims across her lips and makes her tight
body reflect her smile: simple and plain
like a morsel of cloud. Deep across the night
soft waves began treading with heavy might
towards her. Her taste can not contain
the dawn that she created. Light
and dark blending their choices fight
to touch her skin and stain
the morsels of clouds deep across the night.
She brings with her the inspiration to write.
It was at dawn that she created light
and morsels of clouds deep across the night.
Posted by nervo at November 24, 2004 06:36 PM
Comments
Argh! I wish I had time to leave comments. I think this poem has a really nice lyricism, which I would expect from David. I like the personification of the moon a lot, but some of the human qualities (tight body, taste of) seem farfetched. Not saying this should be changed, just wondering if we're talking about the moon, or about a moon goddess figure. Is the moon creating light at dawn? I guess this is where I'm getting the goddess thing from - the she that is creating light at dawn seems to be much more than the moon.
Posted by: Josh at November 30, 2004 01:28 PM
The language of this poem is really beautiful- this is a revised version of something from earlier in the semester, no? I like the changes.
Lines like "images sleep under her grain" remind me of Keats' "To Autumn"- "Thee sitting careless on a granary floor." The language is similar too, it just sounds pretty.
I also like how the poem is kind of spherical, in that it closes with its opening lines.
The only thing I'm not sure of is the shifting tenses. Its hard for me to understand the significance of going back and forth between past and present tense.
Overall, beautiful, very impressed!
Posted by: amber at December 2, 2004 02:03 PM
David, your villanelle is full of a great lyrical quality, which Josh pointed out, and I believe that is one of your stronger qualities. However, since this is your villanelle (right?) I will get into the technical aspects:
-First off, the last stanza is missing a line. where is your b rhyme at?
-line 4 is trochaic pentameter.
-line 5 reads as one trochee, one anapest, one trochee, and one iamb: unbalanced tetrameter.
-line 7 is off in meter.
-line 8 has a great use of enjambment, with lines 7 and 9. Very nice.
-lines 12 and 13 are iambic tetrameter; line 14 is iambic trimeter.
-line 16 has a great use of anapestic substitution, that flows well with "inspiration to write".
Posted by: tony at December 4, 2004 01:05 PM